Behavior Modification: How Does Your Garden Grow?

I’m big about behavior modification. I love it! It’s amazing to think the reactions you give others can shape their behavior (this works on pets, kids, and spouses, too!).  Behavior modification, put simply, is increasing the behaviors you do want while decreasing the behaviors you don’t want all by the way you respond. In order for behavior modification techniques to work, they need to be applied repeatedly, consistently, and firmly.

Think of all your interventions (praising, punishing, or simply talking to your child) as ATTENTION.  Interactions that you perceive as negative may be simply attention to your child. ATTENTION is to BEHAVIOR as WATER is to PLANTS. The more attention (water) you give your child’s behavior (plant), the more it will GROW.

What kind of plant do you want to grow, a flower (good behavior) or a weed (bad behavior)? If you want flowers to grow, you need to pay most attention to the good behavior. As those of you with gardens know, weeds grow even faster with water than flowers do!  Therefore, if you pay attention to the negative behavior more than the positive, you’ll have a garden full of weeds (or a house full of chaos)!

It’s waaaay easier to pay attention (or start paying attention) to the negative behaviors than the positive. All too often, children catch our attention once they’ve done something wrong.  They learn this! They learn what works to get your attention. If you start paying attention to good behavior (repeatedly and consistently), they will learn this works best and will start giving you more good behavior.

Most kids want their parents’ attention more than any other thing. Therefore, any time you are tuned into your child, you are reinforcing what they are doing. Eye contact is very reinforcing!! Using their name is very reinforcing.  Think of the Far Side cartoon about what dogs hear…

The same is true for kids… you could be saying anything! All your child knows is that in a world of busy schedules and many distractions, THIS got your attention. THIS got you saying his or her name! This got YOU! So, if it was an undesirable behavior, do your best to refrain from responding to it with the most attention you’ve given your child all day. If it was a minor misbehavior, ignore, and make a note to pay attention to them again as soon as they start doing the right thing. If it was a more significant misbehavior and not one to be ignored, address it briefly, ideally with a consequence, and move on.

Don’t let your PRAISE become “blah blah blah” either! Specifically name what your child has done right, i.e. “That was great the way you _________” or “I really liked it when you __________”.  Some kids will feel it even more if you throw in a high five, a hug, or a kiss. Reward good behavior with special time with YOU.

Remember: PAY ATTENTION TO THE BEHAVIOR YOU WANT TO INCREASE. Happy Watering!

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Published in: on September 23, 2011 at 2:14 pm  Comments (1)  
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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. Thank you so much, this really helped me as a grandmother.
    Always willing to learn how to handle some problems and to remember to praise.
    I’m for watering the plants and let’s watch them grow!


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